No, this is not some political post filled with rhetoric jargon throughout pages and pages of persuasion and reasoning, convincing you, the people, that it is in your underlying second best interests to learn the Russian language.  It is not that!


It is not anything other than the title itself.  Why not learn Russian?   Im not looking for an answer.  All of my answers had no value so I eliminated each of them.  Here I sit with no answer to the question.  And therefor I win the question.  I dont have a reason not to learn it.  So  I am going to learn Russian!


Am I Russian?  No, I am Canadian.  Have I ever been to Russia?  Not even close.   Can I speak Russian?  No.  I cant even speak French.  I cant speak anything except English.  I do know a couple of swears in Czech, tho.   hehe


So ya, this is where it gets boring.  Like, for you.  Its fucking amazing to me.  Ive actually been trying to learn Russian for a collective number of hours now.  I cant explain how cool it feels.  Ive never done anything this challenging in my life on paper, and I am really enjoying it.  Like, when I wake up I open my notes before I open my eyes.  I go until my brain hurts.  Its getting tough, and then I thought of a quote I saw here and typed in a past blog entry, you may recall (I dont even need to google it! I remember it, and the guy too!)  “The best way to learn about a subject is to write a book about it.” – Benjamin Disraeli.   

As if I remembered that, cool..  But Ben is right.  The best way to learn anything is to write it down.  Instead of some sloppy notes on a napkin, I am just going to write it all down here, in this blog, on the internet.  It will help my learning, and it presents anyone else the chance to learn too, in next to real-time as I am only learning a written step or 2 ahead of this writing.


So here we are, youve read this far, why?  Is it intriguing?  Perhaps this is what your life needs?  I am the guy who can help with that, because somehow ostensibly, this is what my life needs too and Im going to learn it right here on these pages, and explain what I am learning as I go.  I guess you cant teach what you dont know, so Ill just do all the work and whoever is so inclined can learn with me.  For a small fee of three hundred and fif…  just kidding.   Theres no fee, I dont give a shit!  Im doing this for me, not you, remember?


Why Russian I get asked?  I dont know?  I think it sounds cool in movies.  I can imitate a Russian accent better than most accents.  I can do Arnold too tho pretty good, just sayin..  I download movies sometimes and many of those times they have Russian subtitles at the bottom and I remember thinking to myself “What the fuck could a backwards R possibly be?”  Theres all these seemingly normal letters like b and t and k and o and then theres a bloody spaceship looking thing and a backwards N and 3 different Bs and a squiggly starfish looking creature of a letter.   And then listen to them talk! How the hell do they make that twisted square looking string of half-familiar, half-alien block letters sound so god damn cool!?!  And think of the chicks you can get!  And everyone loves a woman with a strong European accent!  I guess much of Russia is closer to Asia than Europe, but thats an argument for a different day..




And here we are.  Lesson 1.  Right now.   You in?  Yo you in?   Dude?      Dude!!     Дude!     Дamn Дude, Дid I Дeceive you?            hehe.   1:  That little spaceship thing is a D you must have figured out by now.  Spaceship Д is a D!  Дou you need a mnemonic?  instead of d-plane! d-plane!   Think of Д-spaceship! Д-spaceship!  Just kidding.  Thats horrible :p 

The Russian letter A is the same as English.    So is the letter T.     So reading these 4 words shouldnt be too tough.

ДАТА     ДАД     ТАД     ТАДАА!!


Holy shit you just read 4 words in Russian.  Tadaa!!  Data, dad, and tad!  Now was that so bad?          О is another letter that is the same.



So there you have Dodo, dot, tot, and dado.   Not bad eh?   It gets easier before it gets harder.  Because M is the same too.  And so is K.   So now you know MKDOTA in Russian!   Cool right?  Do you feel that?  Thats your brain saying holy shit mate, we might be able to do this!


Theres probably a few more words you can make up there.   But hey if your still reading, think of what you just learned!


Perhaps you are ready for a challenge?  I know I was!   You already figured out the letter D  –  Д.       Lets add B.   The Russian B sound is this letter – Б.        Almost like a B hey?       Бye Бye to the Бig БaД БuББle БoББer.   You got this!



—  back bad bob cab dab bam..      Yaya, too easy right?    Now we know KMBDT  and the vowels A and O.   Thats a lot!  in 5 minutes?   Дamn.  Дont stop here!


I think you are ready for E.    E is close, it looks just like that – E, but you say it differently.  You say “yeh” instead.   Ever would be yever.  fever would be fyever.    Bet would be Byet.     Make syense?


If I were to try and spell Deck in Russian, it would probably be ДЕК  with the dyeck sound, like dee-yeck.  Debt could be ДЕТ.   МЕККА   ТЕККА, БЕТ,  ДЕД.   You are saying this out loud, yes?   Does it resemble those cool Russian movie actors yet?   YET!   BYET, MYET, SYET, forgyet, upsyet, pay the ryent, my money is spyent!


CYENT.    One Cyent.   Take your myeds.   climb the fyence.   This may take some getting used to, but I got to learn C easier than I anticipated.   Its cimple, really.   C,      is S!    It is never k like cat, never!  Always always S.  CET, CIMPLE, CUPER, CTATIK, CTAPLER, ACCHOLE, BLOOPERC, CING, CIMPLIFY.



So?   Can you tell the words are desk, cats, max, and stats?  Oh dont lie, you probably got desk wrong.   Lets have another recap:    SKMBDT   EAO.  Not too bad at all.  If anyone has read this far I applaud you.   And I also feel good that I wrote this out on here, I think it will do good things to what Ive already learned.

I am not that much further than you.  Ive learned the alphabet and some pronunciation.  Im into a few words and some grammar, and pronunciation!!   This is nearing enough for one lesson and enough for one writing sesh too ha!

But lets go out with a bang to really sell lesson 2!  I wasnt going to leave anyone hanging without revealing the squiggly starfish creature!  I will leave you by showing a few more interesting letters, and without the practice or mnemonics, yall can have a go atter with this here list.


Ж —  That there beautiful thing is the creature “ZH”  Mirage makes that sound. So does Asia.  The french J makes that sound.  Jacques.  MiraЖ.    DeЖa vu.     Жennifer.

Ф   Here is the Russian F!   Aint it sick?
Фrench Фries are Фantastic!  ЖEФФ is ZHYEFF, is JEFF!


Oh, and heres L —  Л.    BaЛЛoons.   Лucky Лady Лeft the Лobby and Лanded on a ЛiЛЛypad!

And Лact but not Лeact I wiЛЛ give you this beauty —  ‘У’

That Y looking thing makes the sound oo like moon, food, rude, balloon, spoon, stew.        MУ is moo.   KУЛ is cool.  CTYЛ is stool!


Make up a bunch of words.  who cares if they make sense.  Just practice replacing letters with Russian sounds,  kangarУ,   gУrУ,   Фotograph.    ЛinЖerie is lingerie   ДАФТ is daft.

ДОТБМСАУКЕЛЖФ — LOL you know all those letters now.   You only meant to stop here for a minute and now you know 13 Russian letters!  Look how that looks, that twisted alien square block string of familiar nonsense.   Is it not a thing of beauty?     Take this lesson in and learn that shit!  write stuff down!  I will be back with lesson 2 down the road.




Д like Дavid is a D
О is O.  not to be confused with zeros
Т is just a T like teleport
Б almost looks like a B, its easy so get Бusy
М is for Mayors Mocking Monkeys Melodies
Forget everything you know about S.   С is the new cheriff
А makes the ahh sound.  not the ayy sound.  fat.  not fate. (this might not prove true in my poor examples)

У la la!  mУve over byks, myvies are here!  oo sound..
К.  sak of potatoes.  killer.  kalendar.  kar.  kokonut.
Е.  YEH sound.  Yet.  confyetti.  spagyetti.
Л is L.  dont Лet it ФooЛ you.
Ж is ZH or french J.  it will replace the J sound in English words.  Жanuary.  Жimmy.  Жessica.  Жealous.  AЖian
Ф-and our Фriend F.  the circle is like a Фixed target or a Фast tire.




Make up whatever you can!  Ill be back soon with the next lesson 🙂